This blog post has been weighing on my heart for a while now. I thought of not writing it, but that would mean I’d be giving into the notion of blogging about “daisies and flowers”. And life as we know it is not always sweet tea. In the end, if everything will bring glory to God, then so will my struggles and circumstances. So this is me, sharing my current “testimony” while I am going through it and not after. I’ll also be shedding some light leading up to today. Sit tight and have a seat on this ride that is my now.
What is normal? Who decided what the norm or what normal is? I think at a time before this present moment I thought that meant to be without problem, sickness or pain. That’s what I wanted for myself, to be normal. So in May of 2016 when I found myself not being able to go to work because I had to head to the hospital, I was in slight panic. I had abdominal pain and I didn’t know what was causing it. I was told at the time that it was a small 2-3 cm cyst on my ovary that could easily go away. It normally isn’t much of a concern if it isn’t more than 5 cm. Sound normal right? Nothing to be concerned about, so I went about my life. I found myself in the hospital about 6 months later, in pain once more. I was given an anti-inflammatory and sent home and told to return if the pain persist.
Fast forward to the first quarter of 2017, the abdominal pain would come and go every couple of weeks. But this time when it came it took a full toll on my body; causing me to not be able to hold down water let alone food, I’d lose my appetite which caused me to lose chunks of weight in a span of a couple of days, I’d stay in bed in tears in excruciating pain, not being able to get up to start my day.
August of 2017 is when I found out that this cyst had grown into a mass. So now instead of a sack of fluid on my ovary (cyst), it now had solid components (mass) to it. More solid than fluid. Now in all of this I truly wondered where God’s healing hand was. I prayed for Him to take this thing away, for Him to make it disappear. But looking back I know that I only wanted Him to do so, because I wanted to keep everything under wraps and then use a platform –like this blog– to talk about how God healed me etc… After the struggle and not during.
At this point we (the doctors and I) knew that I had a large mass on my ovary that needed to be removed via surgery. Whether this mass was benign or malignant, is still unknown. I had gone and met with Specialist 1 and soon after fell off the grid with my doctors for about 5 months. How long could I get away with living my life normally, without letting this mass affect me? Was the theme of how I subconsciously lived.
January 2018, a new year meant new goals, my health being in priority was one of them. So I went ahead to my family doctor, who proceeded to refer me to Specialist 2. I felt at peace with the second specialist doing my surgery. At first the plan was for me to get scheduled for late March beginning of April. In that buffer time, there came that pain again.
The date was Monday February 5th 2018. Recent. I was living with a friend and I woke up that morning nauseous and vomiting; Proceeded with falling in and out of consciousness, replying in moans because of the worsening pain and finally carried out to the hospital by ambulance.
Between then and this present day, I’ve had tests and scans moved up closer. And now my surgery date moved up to Wednesday February 28th 2018. I am getting what is called an oophorectomy, which is the removal of one or both ovaries. In my case I am getting the ovary with the mass, removed. Afterwards a biopsy will be done to know whether the mass is benign or malignant.
This being my first surgery in my 23 years of life; I won’t lie and say that I wasn’t scared at first. Actually I was scared up until last night. But this morning I saw light, I looked hope in the eye, was comforted by peace and embraced faith. All is well, and fear has no dwelling place within this vessel.
2 Timothy 1:7 New King James Version (NKJV)
7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
I’ve been a coward for a lot of my life. Avoiding or pretending like something isn’t there. And I’ll admit it hasn’t been smart on my part. But God has been faithful and graceful in the midst of my intentional ignorance and lack of wisdom. Here I am, choosing to walk in health, and right now that means losing an ovary (I got one more ovary y’all, I can still have children! No time soon though).
For so long I felt as though I couldn’t talk about this with anyone. And while I’m being honest, I’ll say that I allowed the enemy to silence me, to isolate me and to make me feel lonely. And I was reminded by one of my sisters why the body of Christ exists. She told me this and I quote: ” You are literally robbing us of our duty as the body, when you decide to silence yourself & not voice what you’re going through.” And that duty is to SHOW love to one another but even better to pray. And of course I can pray for myself and people can pray for me without necessarily knowing what I’m going through. But there are times life needs to be spoken to specific circumstances by more than one person.
So at this time, I ask you to have unshakable faith and for your prayers. Prayers for the doctors and nurses involved in my care, prayers for the instruments used for my surgery, prayers for my body to heal and my surgery to go smoothly. I’m not normal, no one is, and we’re just all different. Different stories, different walks, different purposes, different destinies. There is sweetness in the process and journey. This is my process and journey to health.
I leave you with this peace of scripture:
Isaiah 12:2 English Standard Version (ESV)
2 “Behold, God is my salvation;
I will trust, and will not be afraid;
for the Lord God[a] is my strength and my song,
and he has become my salvation.”
In doubt, know that YOU are loved and seen by God. He knows, He cares, He’s there. Trust Him though your process.
Peace & Blessings,